Originally published in The Underground Informer, Volume 9, Issue 1 (March 8, 1998)
One of the Underground Informer's most regular authors was Mike Hill, aka Delta1. His column appeared in every issue and his signature joke was that in each episode he would interrupt his story frequently to have a (phony) conversation with the editor, the webmaster, other UI staff members and even imaginary characters in his own story. One day I got the idea to steal his schtick and take it one step further. I was going to have the reader himself constantly interrupting me...
It was a dark and stormy night.
[Reader's Note: Oh, puh-lease! How corny can you get?]
[Author's Note: That isn't just a cheesy, cliche first sentence. It's the truth! It really was stormy; raining cats and dogs in fact. And since the storm had knocked out the power, it was also quite dark. So there!]
[Reader's Note: I still think it's a corny start, but go on.]
Now, like I was saying, it was a dark and stormy night. Rachel sat in the dim glow of the computer's monitor...
[Reader's Note: Wait a second! I thought you said the power was out!]
[Author's Note: If you would stop interrupting, you would understand.]
Her fingers flew over the keyboard. She saved her document, exited out of her word processing program and shut the computer down just as the UPS sounded its final warning beep -- only one minute of power left.
[Reader's Note: What's a UPS?]
[Author's Note: Uninterruptable Power Supply. It's a big battery that gives you a few extra minutes of electricity when the power goes out so you can save your files and shut down gracefully.]
[Reader's Note: Well, why didn't you say she had one of those?]
"Oh, shut up!" she scolded it. "I'm done already. Go ahead and turn off."
The device obediently did as it was told. The humming faded out and Rachel was left in silence that was broken only by the sound of the rain pattering against the window and the chirping of the cricket she had been trying to locate earlier that day.
She lit a candle and sat for a moment trying to decide if she should go to bed early or stay up hoping the power came back on, when suddenly...
[Reader's Note: What does she wear to bed?]
[Author's Note: What difference does it make?]
[Reader's Note: Well, if she sleeps in the nude, I think she should go to bed right now!]
[Author's Note: She wears long-johns and a very long, thick flannel nightgown.]
[Reader's Note: Bummer...]
Suddenly, the doorbell rang.
[Reader's Note: What, the doorbell has a battery backup too?]
Suddenly there was a knock at the door.
Rachel opened the door, but nobody was there. She looked around the porch and could see nothing but the solid sheets of rain cascading from the sky. The wind whipped through the trees that lined her driveway, and she could have sworn she heard her name whispered.
"What do you want, Mariah?" she muttered sarcastically as she shut the door.
[Reader's Note: Mariah? Who the hell is Mariah?]
[Author's Note: The wind.]
[Reader's Note: Huh? I don't get it.]
[Author's Note: You know... "They Call The Wind Mariah."]
[Reader's Note: Who does? What are you talking about?]
[Author's Note (singing): A-way out here they got a name for rain and wind and fire. The rain is Tess, the fire's Jo and they call the wind Mariah...]
[Reader's Note: She was referring to a song? Pretty big stretch for a joke if you ask me. You do have a nice voice, by the way.]
[Author's Note: Thank you.]
[Reader's Note: Hey, do "Freebird!"]
[Author's Note: Get real!]
She had no sooner closed the door than the doorbell... I mean, there was another knock at the door.
"Who is it?" she called out.
"Candygram!" was the reply.
[Reader's Note: Cute...]
There was no response. Rachel decided to check the front porch once more, just to be sure.
[Reader's Note: Is this supposed to be a scary story?]
[Author's Note: Yes. Well, it was originally supposed to be scary, anyway.]
[Reader's Note: So this is where she dies, right? The first character introduced in a scary story is usually the first to die.]
[Author's Note: That would sure make the rest of the story boring, don't you think? Besides, the last person left living in a scary story is always female.]
[Reader's Note: But, your story only has one character! She can't be both!]
Before she could turn the doorknob, a voice called out: "Rachel!" Someone is at the door!" It was Melanie, Rachel's roommate. Melanie had gone to bed early.
[Reader's Note: What does Melanie wear to bed?]
[Author's Note: Would you shut up?!? Do you want to hear this story or not?]
[Reader's Note: Maybe I would if you kept me entertained. This is a pretty lame story so far!]
[Author's Note: Oh yeah? Well then, maybe I just won't finish it and you'll always wonder what happened to her.]
[Reader's Note: I know what happened to her. Jo burned her house down and she died.]
[Author's Note: Jo? There's no Jo in this story!]
[Reader's Note: Fire.]
[Author's Note: Huh?]
[Reader's Note: You are so pathetic! (Reader stomps away)]
[Author's Note: Wait! Where are you going? Come back! Who the hell is Jo? Come back!]
[Author's Note: Oh! "The fire's Jo..." But, I didn't say it was Tess'ing cats and dogs! Aren't you taking that bit a little too far? Hello? Are you still there?]